Food, toys, and the perils of snow

Hi there! So this is the girls first post. The deal is, they speak and I type. (Yes, I know theyre shelties, and they're brilliant, but there are just some things that paws cant do, so...here I am.) Alright girls, the floor is yours:

Heidi: Well, of COURSE the floor is ours. You humans spend all of your time on the cowch, or in the big dog bed. I mean, our toys are on the floor, and our beds are on the floor...
Shelby: Yeah, and we get to EAT things off the floor too. For some reason you humans don't do that. I mean, HELLO? It's FOOD! You can't just ignore it! It calls you... it taunts you. You humans just dont hear it. You know, come to think of it, you guys don't hear much. I mean, you dont bark to make the noisy things that live across the street go away. And you definitely dont puff yourself up to make the big trucks go back down the street. Whats that about?
Me: Well, girls, we DO hear them, it's just that we dont care as much. See, I know that the trucks are just turning around (we live on a dead-end street) and they will leave shortly. And sometimes, the trucks even leave things behind for us.
Heidi: You mean the trucks leave TOYS?!?!?!
Me: Well...sometimes...I guess...they leave things that we order or that are sent to us from other people.
Heidi: TOYS from other people?? I never remember seeing any toys though...hmmm. Thats a head scratcher...oooh, and it feels so good....I LOVE getting my head scratched...
Me: Heidi, are you purring again?
Heidi: Hmm, what? No, no. Not purring. We've had this discussion. I "happy growl". Yeah.
Shelby: Well, you know what? I REALLY growl. I show my teeth, and puff myself up and do my "rottweiler bark" to scare them away! Sure, maybe they do (very rarely) bring toys, but they NEVER bring food. And food is way more important, because its...well, its just way better!
Me: OK girls, before we get into the DAILY great debate of food vs. toys, is there something else you wanted to talk about in this blog? It is your first one, so it should be special.
Heidi: Yes, I have something to say.
Me: Remember, not something having to do with toys...
Heidi: Oh. Well, then...never mind.
Me: Shelby?
Shelby: Yes, I want to talk about the cold white stuff outside.
Heidi: Oh OH! I just thought of something!
Shelby: No you didnt, youre just trying to copy me! And I started!
Heidi: Yes, but Im older so I should get to say what I have to first! And what I want to say, is that the cold white stuff is STUPID. I mean, we are really sick of it! We already had some, and now we're getting more? What is going on? I mean, doesnt the person who makes the cold white stuff know that we get little icy balls in our beautiful, gorgeous, flowing hair? And dont they know how long it takes to pick them out of our beautiful, gorgeous, flowing hair?
Shelby: Well, thanks Heidi for totally interrupting me, but anyways...what I was going to say was that its very deep. And I cannot patrol the yard effectively when I have to bunny-hop through it! No one is going to be afraid of a puffed-up, barking, BUNNY-HOPPING sheltie! Even if they already know Im vicious. How am I supposed to chase the furry things out of the yard, or keep the noisy things away from our fence??
Me: Well, Shelby, I guess you're just going to have to rely on other means of intimidation until the snow melts.
Shelby: Hmmm. Other means. Yeah...like, how about I paint myself black and orange so that I LOOK like a rottweiler too! Yeah, and Heidi can pretend to be scared, and run away! And maybe, the "s-n-o-w" will get high eneough that I can JUMP the fence and actually CHASE the noisy things!
Me: No Shelby, those will not work. First, even if you paint yourself, rottweilers are not fluffy. Second, I will be going out there with you to make sure that you do not jump the fence. Im sorry...those we're good ideas...keep thinking, ok?
Heidi: And what about the ice-balls in our beaut...
Me: Yes, yes, I know about the snow balls in your hair. I'll just have to put you in the tub with warm water and
(Both girls jump up and scream):
THE TUB?!?!?!
Me: Oh shoot. Sorry, I didnt mean to say that outloud...
Heidi: (in a horrified whisper) you want to put us in there? Why? What have we done to you?!?!
Me: Well, its the most effective way of melting...
Shelby: No, we dont care. Im sorry, but this interview is over. We are not going in the (mouthing the words) "tub". I dont care if we turn into pup-sicles. No tub. No way. I'll...I'll...STARVE in protest!
Heidi: Yeah, and I...wont play ball! I wont even THINK about my ball! I wont even look for it...even though I know it is cleverly hidden under the back right corner of the chair...
Me: Riiiight...Good luck with both of those things girls. Well, now I know that the interview is over, Im going to go to the kitchen and make some lunch. Im going to try VERY HARD to not drop any chicken on the floor. And on my way back, Im going to NOT accidentally shift the chair, leaving your ball exposed.
Both girls: We hate you.
Me: But I looooove you!
Heidi: OK, we love you too, but please, PLEASE no tub!!
Shelby: Yeah, we love you...but do you really have to exploit the fact that even though we're perfect, brilliant, beautiful shelties, we're still dogs with no resolve?
Me: Yes. Yes I do. Now, lets go get some chicken and balls! No tub today...you guys will just have to pee quick to not let any snow balls get attached.
Shelby: Yeah, right. Like that'll be a problem. YOU try not peeing quick when its 10 degrees out there!
Heidi: Yeah, whatever Shelby. You're all talk. It could be 10 degrees BELOW zero out there, and you'll still want to stand around and eat poop!
Shelby: Shut UP Heidi! It's not my fault poop-sicles are so good!
Me: OK, girls, thats enough. On that disgusting note, I think your first blog is done. Ready to post?
Heidi: I am!
Shelby: Me too! Wait...can we edit out the whole poop-eating thing?
Me: No.